flickering lights

my mind weighs on my soul.

but how is that possible,

when my body carries my mind?

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hot spring sun

thoughts as I board another plane-

this is the shortest time I’ve gone abroad for in…ever.

packing took me 30 minutes, instead of days.

this is the first time I’ve gone to Latin America on my own as a tourist.

what a strange feeling to leave everything I have become so deeply rooted in behind, in the hands of someone I come to know better each day and circumstances have forced me to trust.

A truth: I think I would trust her even if they hadn’t. In some ways-they didn’t.

the Spanish jumps forward in my mind.

why do I feel so much like I am going home?

golden gates

i have begun to long for a city that is not mine.

yet again? you laugh

yes again, i snap.

i have begun to long for a city that is not mine but could have been and i can not help but wonder: what if, what if, what if? you see–so much harm lies in the questions you failed to ask because you were holding out for something you thought was better.

how do you ever know what is better?

and to you-yes you, who i think may be reading these words and wondering after all this time, why has she come back?–know this: the grey scapes of this city have become my own. they taste like light beer, dancing on my tongue. they sound like the rush of cars in a distance and the soft scrapping of knives. they feel like a heat i have never known before and as much pain as they hold, they hold peace too because they have pushed me to grow.

i never wanted to leave you.

but i had to.

and now i am longing, as i always do, for what is not mine to want.

and as i have not always done-i will look away.

because i now feel i have some control

and even though i know that is just a simple, silly illusion, i also know that the last time the ocean whispered in my ears, it told me i was okay

when the hundreds of times before it was urging me to believe the very simplicity of that.

and to ignore the knowledge of such a great body would be a silly thing indeed.

i am where i need to be. the heart will long for what it wants, but it is not naive enough to pretend that if i left-i would not long for grey scapes and light beer.

i do not need to learn the same lesson twice.

skipping beats 

I have told a lie, I whispered

haven’t we all, she replied.

but I lied to myself, to shrink myself, editing, pretending, stumbling blindly, not giving myself room to grow.

I say one thing-I mean another.

Is this not the worst kind of lie?

How can I ever think to find what I am looking for if i don’t even know what that is?