I got back from a 3 day family vacation today. We went to a more rural area of the state, where it’s absolutely gorgeous! I love it there, sitting by the water, the wind blowing on my face. The waves crash, again and again, a constant motion that never fails. It is always there. I love the feel of sand between my toes. It’s a feeling full of memories. I love the sun, oh the bright, beautiful sun. The sun will set, the sun will rise. Some things never change and nature’s beauty is one of them.
We were to a winery while we were gone–they had a cherry pit spitting area set up, on which you could spit cherry pits and see how far you can do it. I got 10 feet, not very good, but the quote they put on their t-shirts–the title of this post!–really got to me. It’s just so simple. The bad parts of life? Spit them out. You don’t need them. Just let them go.
Right after we got home today, I rushed inside, dropped my things on the ground, grabbed my keys and drove to Kaite’s. It was a comfortable feeling, an old atmosphere, one that I’ve been in many times before. Katie’s mom, Lizzie and Katie in the kitchen, cooking, me at the table, sitting, talking, cutting apples, doing something, anything. It’s a place I’ve been in so many times before. Their house is as familiar to me as my own is. This time was no different. I was comfortable at that table. I’ve sat there before. It knows me, I know it. We are both the same.
They cooked. Zoe and Abby came. We laughed, talked, discussed. I talked to Lizzie about AMIGOS. She seemed to have an amazing time. We could have talked longer, larger, for so much more time, but the same thing we could fill cut us short. There is only so much time to be had. I wish I could have discussed more with her, but that will have to come at a different time. She seems different–more grown up. More mature. Changed. AMIGOS changed her, the same way it changed me, in an amazing, wonderful way. Or maybe I just didin’t see it before. Either way, she is going to change the world. She’s a beautiful young woman and I’m going to miss seeing her at church every Sunday morning.
I met their exchange student–she’s from Chile. I think I overwhelmed her–I talk too fast. But all those feelings of having Iida in my life, at the very beginning, they came rushing back. Watching their family function with this new person in it, it reminded me so much of the way that my family was a year ago, that I almost had to look away. All those feelings, they were my feelings. And even though it’s different players, it is indeed the same game, a game I’ve already played. Therefore, I know the outcome, I know the future. I know all the feelings that are to come and my heart breaks for them. It will hurt in the end but in the end, that hurt? The joy will be so much more that the hurt is barely anything.
And then after we stuffed ourselves with crepes, nuetella, peanut butter, homemade whipped cream, strawberries, bananas and blueberries, we stood up. Abby had to go. We took pictures of us: “So that in 5 years, we can recreate the same picture and see how much we’ve changed!” I said, laughing.
The thing is, it’s not a joke. God forbid and knock on wood, but in five years one of us could be gone. One of us could be across the world, living and breathing somewhere else. One of us could be married, engaged, anything. In five years, one of us or all of us could be anything and that’s scary as shit. That’s so scary I just want to crawl under my blankets and stay inside for the next five years. I don’t want things to change. I want things to stay the same.
It’s hard though, because at the same time, I’m ready for change. I really am. So what am I left with? Let’s do that math.
I am left with 3 best friends I won’t see until December, along with a handful of more best friends that I also won’t see until December. I’m left with my family, who I won’t see until December. I left with books and movies and moments of memories, all frozen in time. Memories of laughter and tears, of broken hearts and healing. I’m left with my second half 4415 miles away, maybe farther if the internet failed me with my math skills. I’m left with love. I’m left with hope. I’m left with dispare. I’m left with fear. I’m left with a wide empty future.
So we’ve done the math. We have the variables. We could set up countless equations. But what I want to know is what is the answer?
What is coming?
And you see, that’s why it’s so scary. Because we can’t ever know what will be. We’ll never know what’s coming.
I won’t see Katie until December. Today when I hugged her? That’s the last time I’ll do that for four months.
I’m not going to see Iida for at least 6 months after that.
As much as I’d like to, I can’t find good in this.
I guess I’ll just have to spit the pits.