I’m sitting here alone in my room. The fans are blowing, pulling the air this way and that. For once, they don’t need to do their work. It’s raining outside. One moment, a light soft rain, the next a hard, sideways one. For once, for the first time since I got here, I am not hot. I am almost cold.
In my ears, blast the music to Fun’s It Gets Better. In case you didn’t figure it out from the title of this post and the previous sentence, today is not the best.
There are ups and there are downs. Like anything worth doing, college has not been easy so far. Yesterday was an up. I had a really good day. There were a few freakout moments, like when I found out I’m one of three freshman in my British Women Writers class, but overall, yesterday was really good. I went to Aquacise and walked with Beka to Woods, the near by grocery store. I did homework and other things. I went to class, ate lunch, ate dinner. We had our suite meeting and our first tradition, during which we got the Ohio suite pass downs out of storage in the basement. I was scared for the tradition beforehand since I didn’t know what was going on except that a tradition was going to take place at the suite meeting, but it was so much fun and the freshman of the suite really bonded as we put everything on the bookshelf in our suite. We even took pictures (yay!) and Maria put on this old Superman costume we found in one of the boxes. Red boots and all! I had a really nice talk with Beka. Yesterday was an up.
Today is a down. So far at least, I am very open to change. I worked my first hour of lifeguarding for a Swimming 101 class. It’s going to be a challenge since I have a class, gurading and then another class so I have to wear my swimsuit all morning or change twice. I can’t decided which was worse. I like guarding the class though. It’s going to be fun to watch everyone gain such an important skill. International Relations was an up. It was perfect. My teacher is hysterical and the material is so interesting. Spanish was an eh. It’s too easy, and I guess I’m going to need that since I have two English classes. I did learn some new vocab but it’s frustrating that my teacher says everything in Spanish and then English. I don’t need to hear everything twice. She’s also very much about women empowerment which I like, don’t get me wrong, but it is Spanish class and not Feminist 101. I would like to hablar en espanol, por favor. Lunch was eh. I have math in a bit and then I work from 4 to 6 and now maybe 7 to 9 because someone else can’t do it. I don’t mind working and I want to work but I really want to go to the showing of Iron Jawed Angels that’s happening. We’ll see if someone else can work–either way will be fine. It’s not like I haven’t seen the movie before:)
It’s just I really don’t understand how people make friends so quickly. I don’t like meeting new people. I really truly don’t. Small talk makes me so uncomfortable most of the time and I don’t like talking about things that I don’t care about. I hate having to worry that every word I am saying is being judged. It’s like being in a play and having to preform 24/7. I need a break.
I was talking with Emily, Sarah and Emmaray last night and Emmaray said that it hit her. Yesterday she realized that this is it. When you go places, she said, you can count down the days until you get to go home and that makes you feel better. “But I don’t get to go home,” she said, “This is it now.”
Exactly. This is it. So how do I make it so I’m not in some sort of stupid play 24/7? When am I going to meet the people here that care about me, legitimately? When? How much longer? I wish people could just be nice to each other, but in reality you can’t get alone with everyone. So where are the people I can really truly connect with on a deep level? What if they aren’t here?
I hate the parade of questions in my head. I don’t care if they’re throwing candy at me. I want them to leave.
Until then, I’ll be listening to Fun’s It Gets Better on repeat and keeping my seatbelt on for the constant ups and downs.