Close your eyes. What will come? A flash of memories, I’m sure. I bet you a million dollars. I would pay you all my money, no matter how big or small it seems to you. I would give it all to you. I will actually, because when you close your eyes, when your eyelashes brush against your cheeks, your cheekbones, when they whisper on your skin, when you make the world go black, all that you will see is the memories. They’re like a DVD, stuck on repeat. Or perhaps a computer frozen in time because you overloaded it with your need to do everything at once. Yes, that is more like it. A computer, overloaded by demand. That is what your mind it. When you close your eyes, you will see darkness, the night sky without any stars poking through, for just one moment, for just a heartbeat, and then you will see the memories. All of them, since they are stuck on repeat.
Perhaps there will be music. For me, there are certain songs that will play for certain moments. If I play them, like I am right now, I can see the memories without even having to close my baby browns. The music will blare. It will be in your ears like it was that one day so long ago or maybe that one day was just yesterday. It doesn’t matter really. It doesn’t matter at all. Nothing really matters, that’s the thing. The music is just part of the memory. The memories are what come when you close your eyes. So what comes when you open your eyes? What comes when you don’t let the stars come? When you let the light shine in?
Things are changing. As the music beats right now in my ears, the world is spinning, faster, faster, faster and then suddenly maybe one day it will stop. Who knows? No me. Does it even matter? Not to me really, since when it stops I will probably have been thrown into the wind years ago. Things will be different, just as they are now than they were moments ago.
It is strange for me not to see my friends everyday but at the same time, it is not strange at all. I am very involved in my life here. I am very concerned about my friends here and my life here. This is who I am. But it is in moments like this, when the memories are blaring in my ear, and I could close my eyes so easily, that I miss it all. There are deep connections between people when they love each other. It hurts them to be apart. There are so many different kinds of missing, so many and everyday I miss someone in each and every one of those ways, but very day I don’t.
“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
To each other we belong.
“Where are we, Dad?” Jack asked.
“This is a place you all made together so that you find one another. The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them and they needed you.”
“To remember, and let go.”
Remember and let go.
We need each other.
Close your eyes.