Things I Don’t Understand

I love it here. I really truly do. I would like to make that evident before I go on this rant about the horrible feeling I’m feeling right now. I was convenced today and yesterday that this was the right place for me. That I made the right decision. Every time I walk through the doors to my hall, it feels more like home. Don’t get me wrong, it is not that this no longer feels like home, it is not that I don’t think I made the right choice for me, I still do. It’s just that the conversation I had a dinner today threw me into a horrible feeling, a feeling I need to write out.

One thing I do not, absolutely do not understand, is people who say they don’t support LBGT rights. If you don’t think it’s right, fine. But thinking that the government should have control of who we marry? No. Absolutely not. We are all humans, for God’s sake. The question is not of LBGT’s rights because there is no questions that they deserve those things. We are all humans, we all deserve the same protection from the law. There is no question. None at all. Just because you love someone who is not the societal right sex or gender, does not under any circumstances mean that you are any less human, just like, well, does being a rapist make you less human? A solider? Those people and the acts that they commit may be considered wrong by some people or maybe not. It’s all about perspective, but that does not make them any less human. Any less deserving of a second chance. Of the basic human rights.

That’s another thing I do not understand. One of my suitemates is very conservative and doesn’t like it when we talk about anything regarding sex. Nothing at all. We respect that. We try not to use the words she has asked us not to around her. She is also in my International Relations class and for extra credit, we went yesterday to watch a movie on the Vietnam War (which is another rant within itself). Everyone knows that part of war, unfortunately and not justifiably, is the abuse of women. With war comes rape. There was quite a few scenes in the movie during which people got shot in cold blood. Civilians, not soliders, not that that makes it any better but still: civilians. Shot in the head in front of their family members, and this was not a Hollywood film. This was real footage. These are the images I turned away from. These are the things that make me want to throw up. And she turned away from the sex scenes. Let me clarify that they were not rape scenes. They were scenes in which the American men have sex with the Vietnamese women. Yes, it is just as unjustifiable–these women were being taken advantage of. It’s is not okay in any way, shape or form, to harass women but how can you not turn away from war? How can you argue that war is okay and think that sex shouldn’t be talked about? Sex, the thing I may point out, that got you here.

But oh the worst of it: the dinner conversation. I was sitting at the table with 3 of my best friends here. Before I go into anything I would like to say that I love these 3 women dearly, I think they are all amazing people who deserve the best and I do not like them or care about then any less for their personal opinions. That’s what opinions are: personal. But I just do not simply understand.

They were talking about Rent, the musical and then one of them goes “Well and of course I think that one of the reasons I didn’t like it was because I’m against homosexuality.” And my whole body tensed. I’ve been trying to avoid these conversations but of course, these are conversations that come up, no matter how hard you try to ignore them. I held back oh so much of what I wanted to say. I just don’t understand. They would contradict themselves with in every other thing they said. That’s the most of it: they aren’t educated. I looked at them all and I said “I know so many people who are gay and lesbian and I could never, ever, ever imagine myself looking at them and thinking “They don’t deserve the same things I’m entitled to.” And one of my friends goes, “Well, of course me too.” And I go, “Then how can you think that the government has the right to tell them what they can and can’t do?” Nobody every really responded to me–there was too much talking over each other. Too many emotions and I all I could picture was Allie’s face. Oh sweet, sweet Allie: the girl who sometimes was the only reason I would smile. Dear Nick who made me finally feel like part of the group while in Panama. Luke, my favorite person, who I want nothing more than to see on stage on Broadway one day. These are the people I love. How on earth could you not think they aren’t human enough to be with the one that they love?

The worst part of it to me all–as if it could get any worse–was when one of my friends said that the government has labeled Christianity as the national religion (is that even true?) and that since Christians don’t support it–That’s where I cut her off: “You can’t generalize a group that large. That isn’t true. Not all Christians think that homosexuality is wrong.” And she goes “Well, we were discussing it in bible study last week and we all agreed we don’t think it’s right.” First: that is a group of less than 20 people in one city, in one state, in one country. That is not the whole Christian population. Secondly and this is the main point of all of this: I will never, ever, in my whole entire life, understand how Christians can say that they love everyone and accept everyone for who they are and that everyone is God’s child, but yet they don’t love homosexuals, but yet they don’t love the Jews.

I can’t press the keys on this keyboard hard enough. I can’t express this loud enough. All I can think over and over and over and over and over again in my head is: Hypocrites. Hypocrites. Hypocrites.

Hypocrites. Hypocrites. Hypocrites. Hypocrites. Hypocrites.

That is the biggest reason I’ve been turned off from church, from organized religion and the institution of the church, from Christianity. Because I love everyone. Of course, I am only human and there are people that I can not stand but I don’t think anyone doesn’t deserve to get married, to go to heaven just because of who they love or what the believe. My god loves everyone, even the Jews, even the homosexuals–in fact, my god especially loves them because the rest of the human race has hated on them so much.

If heaven is real, I don’t want to be there without the people I care about.

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One thought on “Things I Don’t Understand

  1. i don’t know what to comment here; i only know that i want to write something. this post made my heart hurt. you eloquently expressed exactly how i stand on this topic. i don’t understand this, either. you know we are a messed up species when we feel we should be able to control how others–‘our brothers and sisters from adam/eve’, right?–live. it makes no sense.
    i applaud you for maturely approaching these difficult conversations with such even responses, although you are up against some incredibly frustrating and illogical reasonings. i don’t know what we can do, except try to educate. it’s easier said than done, but it has to be done.

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