Right now I’m listening to Florence and the Machine and all I have to do is close my eyes, no in fact I don’t even have to do that and I can picture her, up there on the stage and I can feel Mae on one side of me and Emily on the other and my back aches because I’ve been standing too long and my knees are weak but none of it matters, none of it does because her voice is in my ears and there is too much to take in but my eyes know at the same time that we’re seeing all that we need to see. And then I blink, I don’t even really have to blink and I’m in New York city, with Mae and with Emily and with their parents, both whom I admire greatly, with the family I have traveled miles with. In fact, they have seen me at every hour of the day and that’s not much that I can say of many outside of my immediate family. And of course, dear Iida was there. My dearest love, my sister, my best friend. It is hard for me to imagine that for 17 years of my life I had no idea that she even existed. It is strange for me to think that because of Michelle, Emily’s mom which lead to Greta which lead to Iida, we chose her. We literally picked her to be the one we brought into our lives. So many factors went into her being one of the ones I miss the most right now. Or maybe no factors at all. Maybe, perhaps it was simply destiny.
But no matter what it was, there we are. Sitting on the ferry to the Statue of Liberty, all bundled up, my toes so cold I can’t feel them. My cheeks are red, my eyes are watering from the wind. But still I stand up, still we laugh, still we smile. Still there is yet another moment in which there was too much for my eyes to handle, too much for us to take in, too much but yet just enough, because I knew, deep inside, that we were taking in all we needed to see.
And then suddenly, the next memories. It’s like they’re all lined up and someone is shoving on into my mind, right after the other. It’s St. Patrick’s day. We all in the backyard. Emily is there of course.
Then we’re camping. I remember walking to the bathroom in the half dark, in the fading sun. We discussed so much, Emily and I. Mostly we talked ourselves, about each other, about what we mean to each other and what we have. There are so many words I want to scream at her, just so she can hear in my voice that I really mean them. Maybe screaming is not the best way to get my point across but I know nothing else to do but speak louder and share all my love. There are so many things that I want her to understand, so many things about what I feel that I need to be sure that she knows.
Then I am sitting in her chair in her room on the second floor of her house. She is cleaning. We’re eating sour candy from Canada. What came from the conversation was a book, in which we recorded our lives for months.
There are so many moments my head is exploding.
Perhaps you think that this post is about Emily. Perhaps about Iida. Perhaps you think they are the people I miss the most and this is true, but I miss all of my people the most. Every single one of them. I would give anything right now to hear their voices, to feel their arms around me, to see their smiles.
And you see, that’s what this post is about: me. I feel strange sitting here in my room right now. So much happened today. I am emotionally tired. I do not know what to write. Everything is fine, everything is okay and I am wonderfully happy and content but at the same time I am not. I hate the contradictions of life, the confusions, but I love them at the same time. I do not know what else to write. I just had to get the memories out, even if this is only the smallest bit of them, because you see, they’re exploding in my head, every moment, every second, every heartbeat. They are always there. They never leave.