Who am I?

I know i just wrote a post, and a long one at that too. I know I have so much reading to be doing that I really don’t have time for this, but the words are pouring out of the end of my fingertips. They don’t want to be trapped anymore. They hate that, you know. Being stuck inside. They like the sunshine, the wind. I just read this line the the book I’m reading, Silas Marner: “Minds that have been unhinged from their old faith and love…in which the past becomes dreamy because its symbols have al vanished , and the present too is dreamy because it is linked with no memory.”

Ah, yes memories. The song I am listening to right now takes me back to those two months I spent in Panama, to my week in California. I don’t even have to close my eyes. All songs do that. They are cars to another world, worlds that already happened. Just like movies are. I watch a movie and I think of a moment in time, of a person, of a joke, of everything. Like foods, like smells, like clothes, like feelings. Everything is attached to a memory. Everything is memories and imagine if we had none of those. Just close your eyes and imagine that.

But most of all what that quote awoke inside of me is that fact of how nobody can ever know who we are. Not a soul. Even I hardly know who I am, how can anyone else? Well, the thing is they can’t. Maybe someday I’ll open the door to my house or my apartment and I’ll be wearing this Cottey sweatshirt, the same on that I have one right now, except then it will be worn down and loved and the person on the other side of the door will say “Cottey College? Where’s that? Did you go there?”

And I will just smile. “Did I go there?” Oh no, I’ll think, I did more than go there. Those are the two–maybe four–years of my life during which I first lived on my own. I learned this there and that there and so much more. I didn’t just go there. That’s who I am. Just like when I mention Amigos. I normally just say that I went to Panama for two months but I didn’t just go to Panama for two months. I did so much more. I lived there. I was me there and that is part of me that the people who weren’t there with me will never quite understand. That is every moment of my life. Every moment of your life as well. There are so many moments, so many memories, that when you get disconnected for them, everything becomes dreamy because you have lost who you are. The moments are who you are.


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