I just wanted to talk for a bit about this feeling that I’ve been having these past 24 hours. I know why the feeling is here and I guess to explain the feeling completely I have to explain last night, but to be honest, I am so tired of talking about last night. I’ve talked about it forever with Beka. Like over and over and over and over again. I’ve talked about it with Jackie and with Ellen and then with Jackie and Ellen and Beka, so I’m just going to sum it up for you. I think I said on here that one of my suitemates is having a bit of trouble with underage drinking. Well let’s just say that last night we were supposed to have a suite Halloween and I was excited for it and Beka and I bought stuff for Worms and Dirt and we actually made it all and then Chelsea said it might not be happening because everyone seemed to be having “bad luck suddenly”. To sum an incredibly long story up, something happened to Emily and she ran out, threatening to go drink and Kelley (who can’t stay out of anyone’s business) ran after her and ended up telling our hall director which caused a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of accusing and a lot of stepping on each other’s toes, all of which nobody would tell Beka or I the specifics of until this morning when I found Kelley sitting in the suite area waiting for Emily.
So last night was a lot of venting between Jackie, Ellen, Beka and I, along with a few almost tears. I was sitting on the sofa in Jackie and Ellen’s suite and I said: “I haven’t wanted to go home until right now. Right now I really just want to go home.” And it was honestly the first time I truly wanted to go home, back to what used to be my life.
Today was better. Everything has been sorted out now, I believe. I met my nana’s PEO sister’s daughter and granddaughter. They were both really nice. Jackie lost her phone though and we have looked everywhere and it has disappeared, so more emotional stressed was thrown on top of us all by that bit of drama.
All of which has led to the feeling, this feeling, right here, right now. I miss my friends. It’s not that I don’t always. What is different this time is that I miss them all suddenly in all the ways that you can miss someone. And suddenly the fear I thought I repressed has regrown: that fear that this time spent apart is going to change things. I thought that fear was gone, but being so alone and so upset by the environment around me during these past 24 hours has resurfaced that fear and I’m not entirely sure why. I just feel like some of my friends are somehow keeping up their relationships better than I am with them. I feel like they’re growing together and I’m not. I feel–alone maybe. But I’m not. We were sitting with prospective students at dinner today and we were talking about missing our friends (ironically) and Ellen was talking about how she didin’t really have a lot of girlfriends by the end of high school because of a lot of drama that went down during her junior year. “Really I came here to find life-long friends and well–” and then she smiled and pointed to us.
I just don’t understand how we are close enough yet to be life-long friends. Don’t get me wrong, I care about all of my friends here and I love them all and I do see us being life long friends but how can you say that after only 2 months? I guess I’m not that comfortable with people to move things that quickly. I mean I still feel like I don’t really know everyone here in a million ways and that they don’t know me in just that many.
But oh, I don’t know. I’m just tired. I’m just exhausted. I just need a break. Life has been a lot to take these last 24 hours and I am ready to close my eyes for a while, for sleep to take all these feelings away.