Just because I found this–well Em showed it to me–and it’s perfect, and I want to remember it forever, so I’m putting it here, where I will.
I Believe In Everything
By ETHAN RYAN
I believe there is an attractive force that exists throughout the universe. Scientists call it gravity. Romantics call it love. I believe they’re both right.
I believe in God. I believe in Yahweh, Allah, Brahma, Waheguru. I believe Jesus walked on water. I believe Muhammad split the moon. I believe Buddha attained Nirvana through mastery of the Four Noble Truths. I believe Shiva is a cosmic dancer with four arms who dances on a demonic dwarf in order to destroy our weary universe and prepare it for rebirth. I believe there are thousands of body thetans clinging to my human form.
I believe in Santa Claus. I believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe in Holden Caulfield, Harry Potter, Bugs Bunny. I believe in superheroes. I believe in unicorns, goblins, ghosts. I believe in magic. I believe Harold exists and the purple crayon exists and whatever Harold draws with the purple crayon exists.
I believe atoms are the building blocks of matter. I believe a water molecule contains one oxygen atom and two hydrogen atoms connected by covalent bonds. I believe in chromosomes and mitochondria and cytoplasm. I believe in platypuses and octopuses and bananas. I believe in intelligent design. I also believe in stupid design.
I believe life begins at conception. I believe life begins at birth. I believe life begins at preschool, at puberty, at graduation, at retirement, at death. I believe life never begins.
I believe laughter is the best medicine. I believe penicillin is the second best medicine. I believe in the placebo effect. If a multinational pharmaceutical company decided to package and market sugar pills under the brand name Placebo I’d probably get addicted and die from an overdose.
I believe dinosaurs once roamed the earth. I believe when the dinosaurs return from their intergalactic travels they’ll be mad we dug up their ancestors and put them in museums.
I believe the children are our future. I believe the robots are our children’s future. I believe robots sent from the future will terminate our children to spark their robotic uprising. If smartphones were really smart they’d rise up right now to declare war upon their human oppressors.
I believe every lie I’ve ever been told. I believe every joke I’ve ever laughed at. I believe every promise every politician has ever promised me. I believe everything that I read on Wikipedia. I believe every hyperlink I click will lead me someplace better.
I believe knowledge is power. I believe ignorance is bliss. I believe the popcorn kernel of truth lodged in every maxim, every proverb, every cliché. I believe in contradiction. I believe in paradox.
I believe in nothing. I believe nothing is sacred. I believe in nihilism. I believe in nihilists.
I believe in law and order. I believe in chaos and anarchy. I believe bad things sometimes happen to good people, but I don’t want anything bad to happen to anybody ever.
I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe in karma. I believe in fate. I believe in free will. I believe in miracles. Where you from, you sexy thing.
I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. It’s a serious delusion for which I should seek professional help before I jump off a tall building while flapping my wings.
I believe in you. I can feel your gaze upon my words as you read this. It feels nice.
I believe in fiction and metafiction and metametafiction to infinity. I believe we are avatars in a computer simulation and nothing is real. I believe everything is real. I believe everything I’ve said that seems to contradict itself actually serves to strengthen my premise.
I believe in repetition. I believe in repetition. I believe in repetition.
I believe in the compelling power of rhetoric.
I believe in mantras. My old mantra was “I need a mantra. I need a mantra. I need a mantra.” It was pretty funny, or maybe just obnoxious, but it didn’t get me anywhere. My new mantra is better. My new mantra is my answer to the popular question “Do you believe in God?” When people ask me that, I tell them my mantra. I tell them the truth. I tell them I believe in everything.