the last time i was here was a long, long time ago. or maybe not. i can’t tell. so much seems different–my room has been untouched for 4 months and that in and of itself seems wrong. the bathroom seems to small. i just feel–out of place but yet at home. i feel as if i have shifted back a handful of months in time, as if i am still in high school and so I keep looking for Iida since of course, the last time I heard the snow under my feet she was indeed by my side. I feel as if I went on a long, long journey to a land a 10 hour drive away but that it all happened in a dream. i feel so distant from Cottey that it seems to not be real. I don’t know where to put my stuff–because this doesn’t feel like my room but yet all my stuff is on the walls, those are my clothes in the closet, my things under the bed. my tears fall. i am so happy in so many ways but i feel so incredibly overwhelmed in so many others that my heart just wants to sleep forever. i hate missing people, the people i love, but is returning to them for a short amount of time even more painful than missing them? is this reality or is it a dream? i can not tell the difference.


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