i am not good at living in the now. i can’t believe that i’ve spent the last 4 and 1/2 month 575.7 miles away from where im sitting right now. that seems impossible. so incredibly impossible. i turn ideas like this over in my mind all the time, a constant turning table that will not stop moving no matter how much i try to make it stop. some things you seem to have no control over and other, you can not change no matter how hard you try. i guess those are the same thing when you think about it. i guess both times change will not come and therefore you lack control. this is a perfect example of all that will come to my mind and not leave despite all the effort i give to making it. i hear songs and i feel like Cottey is never coming back. i feel stuck in time in a way. i feel like i am waiting for something and i have no idea what it is so looking for it becomes impossible. oh the thoughts, they will not leave. i just want to love the now and sometimes i do. today i loved the now, but i want to always love the now. but with all the thoughts, how can i get off the turn tables?