a vast majority of the time, i try to hold back details and feelings that are personal from this blog. right now, i want to stop doing that. maybe for this moment, it will make me feel better. maybe in a few days, it won’t. but right now, it is what i need.
everyone thinks that their problems are the worst problems. i know that. i have always known that and in fact, i am guilty of one of the crimes that i hate the most. but as humans, we are flawed. that is one thing that i know for sure. right now, i am broken. let me clarify: i am always broken but i do not always feel that brokeness. sometimes, i feel okay. sometimes i feel good. sometimes i feel excited, awesome, incredible. but right now I feel that brokeness. it has surrounded me, engulfed me. there are so many things that are going on and the anchor finally caught hold of my foot and it’s pulling me down so quickly and so fast, i can barely get a gulp of air before i am under once more. i am writing all of this because i hope it will cut the anchor free.
ever since I got back to Cottey after winter break, things have been hard. There has been constant drama–most of in pertaining to my friends here and their lives. A vast majority of it has been me helping them through it all. But that kind of help does not come free-it drains your own heart, especially when the people you are helping fail to see that you are hurting too. Maybe not for as horrible of reasons as they are but you’re hurting too. We’re all hurting. Can’t we hurt together?
I thought things were getting better. I really thought that they did but then I got an email last week that my grandparents are moving to Madison and maybe going to sell their house that is as much my home as Cottey is, probably more so. That house on that lake is who I am. It is my childhood. Losing it will break my thousands of pieces of a heart into a thousand more. Dealing with this is and will be impossible. It is not going to be a quick cut, poof it’s over. It’s going to be a month-long process, months. My heart will break slowly for months.
Things with my roommate haven’t been perfect either. It’s nothing personal between either of us, at least I don’t think. It’s just that when we get annoyed and when we get frustrated with other people in our lives, we tended to take it out on each other. I also feel like I talk too much about myself. It’s because she, by default, became my Iida and sometimes, I feel like I am more committed to our friendship than she is. That the relationship we have is no different that the rest that I have–ones that I am the better, the more there friend in. I am always the one who gives up and gives, and so rarely the one that receives.
Of course, that is not the truth for all of my relationships but it feels like that, right now amongst this brokenness. I have never had that one person who is just my best friend. Just mine and it is hard to watch Beka with her best friend, as they text and skype and call each other because they belong to each other and just each other. I am not bashing on my best friends, I am not saying I am not thankful for my friends because I am–I could not live without them. But I just wonder when I will need someone just as much as they need me because I do not feel that I am in or ever will be in a completely equal relationship.
There are so many other things that are pushing down on me right now. I want to explode, to yell at my friends about the little things that are adding up to be so much. I want new suitemates. I want people to stop hating on me for being a fangirl. It is who I am more than anything. i want people to understand that I am being sarcastic and to fire it back at me. I want people to realize that their actions took from me what was mine. My friend. My people. They took them from me to keep for themselves. Do people ever realize what others do for them? Probably not. I am sure I don’t. As much as I complain about other people not realizing what I do for them, I am sure that I don’t realize what others do for me (and for this I am sorry. In the midst of this complaining, I would like to apologize. For not seeing all you do. I am thankful for you all)
People don’t realize when I swallow words. As much as I talk, there is so much more I don’t say. So much more I hide. I am tired. I see so much more in other people, in their emotions. I am always the one to ask “are you okay?” or “What’s wrong?” and so rarely the one who is asked that. I want people to realize who I am not–not their little baby granddaughter, not their little baby niece, not a baby at all. not little at all. not their other best friend, not this and not that. I want people to see me for me and love me for me and catch me when I fall.
I am so tired of hitting the ground only to find that nobody was even trying.