sometimes it is so strange to be in the place that you are. you close your eyes and then when you open them, you look around and you blink once more and you think: wait, what am i doing here? do i even belong here? where am i? guys, where are we?
today was a good day–i had psych and a decent spanish quiz in spanish and dance was fun, i really like the new combination that we’re going. i shadowed my golden key desk hour and i got to catch up with one of my friends who i haven’t talked to a lot this semester since we don’t have English together anymore. there was the housing meeting for next year then and that’s when things started taking a turn towards the down hill–but the thing is i didn’t realize it. at the meeting, i started freaking out because i’m really worried that the 6 of us won’t get a suite together next year and in order to have a suite with freshman too, we need an empty suite to move into and all i want is a good suite, that’s really all i wanted. but then after the meeting, we started talking and jackie told us all that she might not be coming back next year. and i guess right now, in this moment in which i am typing these words, that just really hit me. i can’t loose jackie. i don’t want her to leave us but isn’t that selfish? if she doesn’t belong here, she shouldn’t stay. but then the 5 of us? as much as we love each other can we really live together? i think we can. beka thinks we can but i don’t think ellen and katie and amanda are so sure about it. ellens for it though but then after we all hung out in that pool while i worked, after everyone else left i had a talk with her and some things came out and well, i’m not sure. i’m just not sure. i don’t know what to do right now because next year and housing isn’t in my control and i hate that.
there’s more. words i can’t say here. words that i fear i must swallow. i feel–oh i don’t even know. i am just not sure where i am right now. i think it’s the night–it does this to me.