like daisies in the sun

you know ironically, life itself answered my question. in the post i wrote just this morning I was questioning if I could be as close to someone who has different political views than myself as I am with someone that agree with me and life answered that. let me explain. after I posted that i did homework and such until I Google chatted with Em and Erma for an hour or so (<333). When Ellen, Jackie, Beka and I went to go sit on the tennis courts I was in a happy mood, as talking to my Kneester Kings always makes me and the afternoon that unfolded was perfect. we hung outside for 3 hours, until we migrated to Chellie club. By that time it was just Katie, Amanda, Beka and I. We hung out there for a while, talking with Priscilla and laughing. Then Beka and I went back to the suite to make dinner and we hung out there until we went to the chapel at 8:30 to have a quick song practice before our serenade to the seniors. For those of you who don’t know, serenades are a tradition that the CSC and fcc (cottey senior class and freshman cottey class) are bringing back this year. One class plans it secretly and then when they’re ready they run through the halls and tell their seniors/freshmen to go outside in front of the chapel. We missed the first one, which was the seniors surprising us since we were in Kansas City so this one, us surprising the seniors, was our first. We stood in two lines and the seniors sat on the senior sidewalks (another Cottey tradition) and holding candles, in the cool spring air, we sung.

It didn’t take long for tears to start falling and by “Linger” i was getting teary but when we all got in a circle, seniors included, and sung “Daisies” I wanted nothing more than to cry and when I looked across the circle and saw Rubbie suite with their arms around each other and then at Minnesota next to them, all swaying together, I let the tears fall. But I wasn’t crying for the same reasons that everyone else was. I wasn’t crying because our seniors are leaving in 5 short weeks. I was crying because I don’t have any seniors. At that point Emily had disappeared and as I watched my candle flicker in the wind and struggle to push the words that mean so much over my lips, my soul felt empty but not in a good way. Not in the same way that everyone else’s did. Then the seniors sang one song to us and after that, came all the hugs and the “I love you”s and everyone was turning to their seniors and Beka and I just stood there. My feet felt so planted into the ground I was scared that they would never move again. And then Ellen came over to me from the few feet away that she had been standing and hugged me. “I love you so much” she said as she swayed. I tried to say the words back but in her arms, the tears that had been falling before turned into raindrops. “What the matter?” Someone else said. I think it was Beka. Maybe it was Jackie. I dont’ remember. Beka took me into her arms though and all I could say was “It’s not fair.” “What’s not fair?” Ellen asked and I just cried. Beka said nothing. She knew what I meant. She feels it in her heart. When I could breathe again and I pulled away, I turned to Ellen and explained what I had meant. That it’s not fair because we don’t have anyone. That it’s impossible to watch these moments that are supposed to mean so much and be the best memories and be so sentimental when we don’t have anyone to share them with. I cried. I was hugged. A wall of three bodies surrounded me and my heart fell to the ground where it felt it should be in that moment. Promises of next year were made and my heart started to heal.

Katie and Amanda came over later after they were done with their suite and in the circle, Katie stood across from me. “Are you okay?” she asked. I nodded but she crossed the circle anyway. She must have seen something earlier across the spring grass or perhaps I’m not as much of a closed book as I think I am. She pulled me into her arms. “Next year will be better.” She promised. “We’re going to be amazing.”

More hugs came. Soon laughter came to pass and now as I type these words, I realize that life answered my question. Politics and the issues that come with it define a gerat deal. Sometimes they may be a deal breaker but right now, right here, with these five young women, they aren’t. Because the love that Jackie and Amanda and Ellen and Katie and Beka have shown me  this year means so much more than anything else. I have said it before and I supposed it will say it again but in the end? It is love that always wins, no matter what. When someone can open their arms to me, as long as those arms aren’t hurting me, they don’t have to be the same as mine. Besides what good would they be if they were a mirror of every little thing that I am? I would always breathe the same and that would never allow me to grow, as i should, like a daisy in the sun.

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