blind

i do not know where i am going. i do know where i have been. i close my eyes and i see all the moments i have had and i close my eyes again, so i can try and see what will come but as always, the things i want the most in the moment i think that i need them are invisible. i can not find them because things like that hide from you since it is best to find them on your own and not for them to come to you. we talk about it sometimes, you know. where we will go after Cottey and what we want to do. others around me seem to know. and yet, other others have no idea, like me. i do not know what i am supposed to do. i know what i want–love, happiness, to be able to travel, to see the world, to be able to give back, to learn, to feel the sun kiss my skin, to hear the ocean waves against the rocks echoing in my ears, for my grandparents to live forever, for my parents to live forever, for my friends to stay my friends for every breathe that i take. but i do not know how to get there. i do not know how long it will take. i am unsure and this feeling becomes a rock on my ankle, pulling me down. i suppose this is where God come into play. I suppose this is where i would pray and i would feel the love slip down my throat and fill my empty stomach. i suppose. that is why it is called faith, yes? but i can’t–well i want. i want to believe, half because i know it would make things easier and half because i do. but there are so many questions that have no answers that i cant let my heart free just yet. what if it’s not safe? what if i get broken, hurt, scarred forever? what if? what if? what if? i do not know. none of us do. i suppose we are pretending, acting, faking until it all becomes real. is there an easier way? is this supposed to be easy or is it supposed to be hard? who knows, who knows. who knows…it is the soft whisper that floats on the back of the winds, that whispers between the trees. who knows? the two words surround me. sometimes, they are all that i hear.

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