loud

it is so strange to lay in my bed and listen to the rain outside. i remember one of the first rains that i heard when i came here, that i felt. i wrote a post about it then and how it made me feel, how it always makes me feel. the rain is what reminds me of all the places that i’ve been, all the pain and happiness that i’ve felt, since every moment of my life, in every place it has rained.

i was looking at the walls too. the walls in our room and i could see with my eyes open the pictures that i took of the room when we first got here. it is so incredibly strange to look back on those moments and remember how bare the walls were, how plain everything was–since it wasn’t home yet. and i look around at every poster and every picture and i remember what was happening when i hung that one up and then my mind started to race against itself and suddenly i was running backwards, faster than my feet could move, running back through the memories.

last night, after a talk in rbac until 12:30 in the morning, beka and i came back to the room and went to bed. and i was lying there and all my thoughts were falling in, like they always do and suddenly out of nowhere, the fact that jackie won’t be here next year, finally hit me and i started to sob. and as i lay there in the dark, in my second home, with beka’s hand in my own, my heart broke. but at the same time, at that very moment that it shatter into more pieces, the fact that beka’s hand was holding my own, was healing it.

and then today, when katie and amanda and beka sat outside the housing sign up room with me for 4 hours and we got kansas without any fight but yet katie ran out of the room and tackled me–i need them. i love them. i know i say it all the time but it scares me sometimes, to love so strongly. because i close my eyes and i see something else too: i see myself this summer and everything that is going to happen that i know of and that i dont know of, everything that i am so beyond excited for but everything that will continue to shape and mold me. 

holding on to friends as you both grow is one of the hardest things i have to do thus far in my life. i don’t want to have to do it again–ever. i hate time. why does it exists?

i feel like my thoughts are circular and that’s because they are but that’s because i can’t make it stop. these feelings? they’re like the rain. when it is dark, they are the loudest.

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