burnt

i cant even describe how i feel right now–there are so many good things like the fact that lifeguarding today was hysterical, it has been hot out the last few days, i got my first sunburn of the year, once upon a time was good, i did my women’s studies presentation, no psych tomorrow and so many more. i am happy. i am excited. i am everything good. 

but at the same time, i am not. because everything is ending. this first year is almost gone. i am grabbing on to hold it back but it turns into dust and slips away. there are so many things about this year that i will miss next year. my stomach hurts. i dont want my seniors to leave but i want to be a senior so badly. i dont want jackie to leave. oh–i can’t even think about it. 2 weeks. thats all we have left until she leaves. i just, my hands are shaking. i can’t even. i want to cry. im only one blink away from crying. 

you know, these past few weeks, last week especially have not been easy. there was a lot of complaining and yelling and screaming and crying. i can’t and won’t go into details, just know that everything is fine now but less than a week ago, it wasn’t. and it was jackie that caused the hugs. and i will never forget how i felt in that moment when i hugged jackie as she sobbed and beka held me and ellen held me and amanda held ellen and katie held jackie and we all held each other and i watched my teardrops fall onto jackie’s lap as i heard everyone elses’ fall too. to cry so openly is something that the world has had to teach me and it was not until cottey and this year that i really understood the joys of tears.

there is so much i refuse to let go of. so much i am scared to return to. so much i long for. so much of everything. 

i am burnt. it hurts but in a way that tells me i am alive 

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