vienna

i have felt this feeling before, i am sure. and if you think about it, that makes sense. there can not be an endless number of feelings in this world and so after a certain point, we must feel the same ones over and over again. and then in moments that we least expect it, we will finally and rarely feel feelings that we have never felt before. but the older we get, the less this happens. and me? i have felt this feeling a thousand times before. i have heard these bars of music, felt this song inside of my soul. words scare me as much as they heal me. i long for so much that i fear i will never find. i am racing against time. nothing will ever stop. i want to escape but at the same time, i am perfectly happy here. i have written these words before too–words that sound beautiful and say so much while saying nothing at all. so what? so what am i truly attempting to convey as i make my fingers fly over these keys? Iida comes tomorrow–how strange is that? almost a year ago, i walked away from her because time had run its course. now our lives will be one again. beka left two days ago. for a long, long time i have been very closely attached to someone, working and living and breathing as a pair. first rachael, then iida, then my job, then beka. it is in these past two days that i feel in some way, my head has come above water for the first times in months. do not get me wrong, it is not that i do not love the people i mentioned above. i do, more than anything. it is that i am coming to fear that i have almost forgotten what it is like to be me by myself. and what a scary notion that is. but at the same time, at the exact same time, i am not sure that it is a bad thing at all. in fact, i think it might be a wonderful one. but because i am unsure which it is, i am scared. that is what i am attempting to convey. fear has settled into my stomach and i am not sure how long it will stay.

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