i think of all to come and my heart races so fast that it almost flies out of my chest. i think of all to come and my heart fails to beat because it is so afraid. how can i live with such differences fighting to control my body, my mind? These first few days back at Cottey have been nonstop insanity–but all in a good way. So far I think that my suite this year is going to be better than last year by a ton (although it doesn’t take much for that to be true). I love my 4 freshman and they are all unique in their own way. I am looking forward to getting to know them even better as time goes by and for traditions to draw us even closer. I love living close to Katie and Amanda and Ellen too–it seems strange that I was so worried about it. All with good reason, I suppose and I’m sure that things won’t always be good but I know in the end, as always, they will be as they should be.
It is strange though to not have Jackie here. When I think about it, my heart aches. I keep waiting for her to come and sit next to me in Raney, for her to make me laugh, for everything. I miss her. But Cottey wasn’t right for her, not anymore, and so in order for her to grow, my heart must break a little. And to see these freshwoman in my seniors place? The strangest thing I have ever experienced. I am them now. I am what I always wanted to be last year. Traditions are in our hands and I could not be more excited for that part of this year but at the same time, I know too well what comes at the end and I want everything but that.
I also don’t know though-I don’t know what will come for me in May. What do I want from life? I think I know but I am not sure at the same time. I think I hear the world calling to me, but how can you be sure?