chains

i could write the words now, force them to all come out in a rush due to time or i suppose that i could wait but you want to know something? the words are stubborn. they refuse to wait.

this week was impossible. it started exactly a week ago today when we had to go to a workshop called “Understanding Begins With Me” and I won’t go into details, but I spent 2 hours become more and more angry. The workshop–although it had good intentions–was no preformed right and lead to many people becoming angry and hurt. We discussed race without discussing all of the other factors that play into it and when I pointed that out to the leader of the workshop, I was ignored. The whole thing was incredibly negative. It was the first time I wanted to cry.

The rest of the week came and went. I worked over 12 hours, struggled through homework, had a panic attack on Sunday when Beka disappeared for 2 hours, struggled with the fact that most of my suite didn’t seem to be doing their homework ever, got into disagreements and spats, words were throw, as they often are, as weapons and not as healing powers. I wanted to cry more times than I can count. I wanted to yell too. I felt lost. I felt alone.

Yesterday it all became too much. All of my emotions were drowning me. I laid under Katie and Amanda’s bed and I felt every bone in my body melt into the ground. I was tired of being strong.

I went to read Amanda’s first blog post on her new blog and the words, the beautiful words, they were the last thing my weary body could take. I went into Katie and Amanda’s room, tears streaming down my face. And I could barely get the words out and before I really knew what was happening, I was on the floor, my arms wrapped around Katie’s leg, the only part of her that I could reach, because I just need to hold onto something, to know something, anything was still holding me to this earth.

I cried for Bass Lake, which I never cried for before because life didn’t give me the chance. Or maybe because I wouldn’t let myself. Either way, I cried for everything that home of mine leaving my life means, all that will come. I sobbed for Iida, for my soul sister separated from me by hours and the ocean. I miss her. I miss the way she anchors me to this world, the way she makes me laugh, the way that she understands. I miss every little thing about her and it breaks my heart because I do not know when I will see her again. Will it be months? Years? I have no idea. And that scares me because I need her to be whole. I cried for Greta, Henrika, and Tiarna, my sisters from other lands, who just like Iida, I miss with all my heart but I do not know when I will see again. I cried for my friends at home, for all the changes that are happening and our lives and my fear that that will break what I hold so dear, I cried for the struggle that came into my life years ago but that I finally put a name to in June, which in many ways, suddenly made the struggle so much harder. I cried for all the changes that are taking place here, I cried because I miss Jackie, her bright smiling face, the way she always made me laugh.

I cried for what’s to come, perhaps most of all. I cried because every beautiful day that I spend here at Cottey is a last, it’s one day closer to a future that I have the ability to control but I have no idea of how to do that. I cried because I can not stand what will come in May and I hate myself for letting it overshadow the now, the moments that I have. I sobbed, my shoulder shook. I can not stand to leave these woman who have taught me so much, who have changed me, who have help me to grow into who I am and who I want to be. I can not bare that thought.

We sat on the floor for seconds, minutes and they cried too, everyone who came into the room. Our fingers were intertwined and as much as them being there helped me feel whole again, it created a small ache behind my heart because I know in May this support will be miles away. I am not good with distance. I am not good with change. I hate goodbyes.

But last night reminded me of something. Of many things actually. All of last year flashed in front of my eyes. I saw this whole summer. And I realized, once again as I’m sure that I will have to realize over and over again, I am love. I am supported. And as much as the distance makes that hurt, it does not take the love away.

I owe my people everything. They hold me to this earth.

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