strengthened my heart

i should  go to sleep. i told myself that i would use my lack of homework as a chance to catch up on sleep but there are so many other things that i want to catch up on as well–like reading, like tv, like being with my friends, like just breathing, simply being–that i couldn’t. i compromised with myself and so i found myself in the suite when beka mentioned that we only have 50 more days until winter break and how she was so excited for that. “how can you be excited?” i asked, “that means there’s only one more semester” “don’t!” she half screamed, “no! we aren’t allowed to talk about that.” amanda chimed in, her voice in agreement. i shrugged.

it’s funny because the thought that i reminded them both of tonight is one that i felt was drowning me for many months, months before i left Cottey last spring, months before Europe, even moments in Europe, and the first few weeks I spent back here this fall. i felt stuck under water, drowning. the thought wouldn’t leave and now? and now, i’m not scared. maybe it’s because i’m not all together happy with my life at Cottey right now, maybe it’s because this week has been so hard and it’s easier to think about leaving things that you aren’t in love with, that don’t love you at the moment or maybe, maybe it’s something else. what?

saying goodbye. i have talked about it before. i will talk about it again. how i have lived so many places, how places are not my home, how people are. well, emily mentioned to me before how she is almost numb to saying goodbye, how it doesn’t seem to affect her the same way it does others because she has said those words so many times before, because she has had more experience with the concept. ill be honest, when i first heard her say that, i thought she was insane but now i understand. i feel my heart not loosing its ability to cry nor its ability to feel lose, but strengthening its ability to move on, to grow, to let go, to be strong. my heart knows i have made it through goodbyes before. it knows i can do it again. it’s why i don’t miss people as much, i think. because i know not being in their physically presence doesn’t change anything when you truly love and care for someone. life has taught me that. it has strengthen my heart

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