why//con todo

i am not writing these words to gain attention. i am not writing these words to gain sympathy or empathy. i am not writing these words to make myself feel better. i am not writing these words to explain my emotions or how i feel. i am not writing these words to complain about my life. i am writing these words because i am being eaten alive by them. they are crawling up my throat, struggling to gain air. they want out and they will not let me move on–oh, how i want to move on–until i let them breathe the air they want to breathe. despite all of the bad, last year was good. despite all of the good, this year is bad. i feel like i am living the college experience backwards. last year, i was hardly homesick. of course, i worried constantly about how things would and were changing at home and how it would be to go back to them, but i didn’t long for home. i didn’t imagine going home on a whim, i didn’t long for a car, the ability to driving those 600 miles just to be hugged by my mom. i never longed for that but this year? i have contemplated it all. on the walk over here, to the empty classroom i sit in now, i wondered how i could get home for Thanksgiving. more than once, i have Googled how much it would cost to fly home, to Finland, to Iowa, to Minnesota, anywhere, everywhere. Why? That is all i wonder. why does this year feel so wrong? why am i questioning what i have never questioned before? what i believed with my whole heart to be the best decision that i have ever made. and here’s the thing–here is why this is different. of course, i questioned this all last year. of course, i was homesick last year but those were always moments, and moments that passed within a few days, if moments at all. but this? this is suffocating me. i feel lost. and just when i feel alright again, i feel lost once more. ever since i got on the plane in Milwaukee to come back here in August, this feeling has surrounded me. why? why? why? i just want to know why. it would make all of this better, it really, really would. knowing why would stop so many of my questions, of my doubts, these horrible feelings. well, at least these feelings tell me im alive, right? no, no, no. i don’t want them. i want them to go away. i look at my life and i know a few reasons why this feeling, these feelings have taken over: beka’s volleyball, me not going to London with everyone else in March, having experienced the world this summer the way i did, not knowing what i want to do with my future and feeling like whatever decision i make is wrong, my grandparent’s move, all my friend’s decisions and choices, both here and there, being so busy, the change in the weather, my suite…but why no matter how hard i try to let these things go, to let it all go, to breathe, i can’t?


ps. but then this made it all a little bit better: “and thank you because without you and rachael I won’t take this career I do it for you jaja you are my inspiration because when you came to panama I always wanted to know what were you talking about because I didn’t understand you but right now I can speak english” con todo mi corazon.


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