these moments

i would be lying if i didn’t say that these past 3 1/2 months haven’t been some of the most difficult times of my life thus far and for sure by far the most difficult part of my college career. when i think back on last year and all the hell i went through saying that this is worse seems so…impossible. but it has been. because it has been awful. hard work, hard friendships, hard weather, hard tests, hard tears. i just…i have never longed for home more than i did–do–this semester, at least not in this way, not in the way where i am longing for home because i simply do not want to be here anymore. oh, i longed for home in Panama. i longed for home the whole 8 weeks i was gone, of course i did. it was my first true time away from all that i knew. but the difference is that even when i longed for home those long and amazing 8 weeks, in every moment that i longed for my home, i also longed to stay in Santa Isabel forever. but this semester? this semester i have longed for homework more moments that i can count with no intention, no desire to stay here. i try over and over again to be happy because i know that being happy is a choice and when you step back from it all, i am happy. i am content. i love my life. i love Cottey. i love the people here. but these moments? these moments where my heart is slowly dying? i hate these moments.

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