your heart makes

it all just came flooding back to me. i was sitting in my room, reading my speech book, thinking about things that i truly care about that i could perform a speech on when it all flooded back into my mind–this dream of mine. and it’s not a strange dream–no, not really. but i haven’t dreamed and remember it for such a long time that it’s meaning seems so vital.

i was in the airport. the airport in Helsinki. and then suddenly i was at Iida’s house. it was summer and my whole family was there–Mom, Dad, Elyse, William, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Janet, Uncle Denny, Nana, Papa, Auntie Rue. But Iida’s family wasn’t. I walked up to the door because it is always open and when the door didn’t turn free, my dream heart sunk. I turned back to my family and told them that Iida didn’t know I was coming but that she should be here. I was afraid.

We waited outside though. It was all we could do. We tried to break into the windows that lead to the basement and we saw people inside, people who were staying with Iida’s family but because they didn’t know who I was, who we were, they wouldn’t let us inside. We waited for what felt like hours but it couldn’t have been that long because when the door to the car finally slammed, it was still day outside. I called out–“Iida?” She turned the corner and I ran to her. She hugged me as tight as she does in real life, before she hugged everyone else. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her everything, to tell her how much my heart hurt, to explain everything to her, but my mom was pushing us to the ground. “There’s no time! Pictures, we need pictures!” So we were taking pictures–of all of us, of just Iida and I, of Iida and Elyse. All the possible combinations–we made them. 

We were in the middle of a group photo when Jenni’s head poked around the corner and I ran to her. “It’s Jenni!” I exclaimed, pulling her towards my family. Even though I introduced her to them, somehow we didn’t move and I was standing at the foot of a porch, on the ground, with Iida’s nieces and nephews on the porch. The way we stood caused us to stand eye to eye. “You remember Meghan, right guys?” Jenni asked them in English, and somehow they understood. Their eyes were wide and no matter how many compliments and hellos I exchanged with them, they wouldn’t respond to me. “We just got back from the baptism.” Jenni told me, pulling me away and no matter how many words were exchanged between me and the rest of Iida’s family, I never could figure out whose baptism it was. No one would tell me. People flooded in from everywhere, for the party and then my mom was tugging on my arm, telling me we had to go back to the airport.

And there I was, in the airport but all alone. I walked down the hallway. I was going to see someone else, somewhere else. I was excited but then I was forced to turn left even though I didn’t want to because I had seen the sign on the wall, the sign that said that all of the flights in this direction where back to the United States. 

“No!” I screamed. “It’s a waste! It’s a waste to only come here for such a short time! I don’t want to go back! No!”

But there was nobody there….so nobody heard me. And the moving sidewalk kept moving and I couldn’t get off.

I know what the dream means, of course. How could I not when it is so incredibly obvious? My heart aches for people the ocean keeps from me. I know that. I always have. So why does this dream turn my heart in a way it’s not supposed to twist? Why, I can’t explain. I don’t know why. All I know is that those feelings I felt at the end of the dream–I hope I never feel them again.

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