boxes

do you want to know a secret? here’s a fun fact about me, something ironic, something i ponder over every time i realize it: when i can’t get out of small spaces, or crowded spaces, or just spaces in general, or i think that getting out will take too long (too long for what i don’t know) or isn’t possible, i feel a sense of anxiety fill me so deeply, my heart flies as fast as it does when i sprint the last 100 during a race. my palms start to sweat. my lungs contract and i’m pulling in air through a straw. but when i put myself in a small space, when i box myself in and i know that in a blink of an eye i can get free, small spaces comfort me. how strange is that? not that strange when you think about it–it’s about feeling trapped, about battling with control, about feeling like you have or don’t have power over your life.

so here’s the thing: sometimes my emotions and not the situation make me feel trapped. and i know when that happens i can choose to analyze the situation in such a way that i become the person who put me in my box of emotions but it’s so much easier to blame it on other people, to state i am not at fault but here’s the problem with that: when other people put me in the small space, inside my box of emotions–well then, my heart flies, my lungs contract and my palms sweat. and right now? right now i feel trapped inside the box of emotions and i don’t feel like i put myself here. i feel like i’ve been shoved inside of this box, shoved inside of it by decisions i made in the past, shoved it in by lack of knowledge of certain social interactions, by being an introvert, by caring about my school work, by not caring so much about a having a relationship right now, by having different priorities than my friends, by voting yes when maybe, maybe, maybe, i should have voted no. who puts me in this box? me or other people? because you see, it makes all of the difference–i can get out of a box i put myself in. i can’t get out of one someone else shut the door too.

i think my life is stuck on repeat. i ask myself the same questions over and over again. the same things happen to me. i have had friendships fall apart more often and more similarly than i can safely put into words. not that that is happening right now, but i am sitting here, questioning whether or not these relationships i have are legitimate. i know mine with Erma is. I know mine with Iida is. With Emily. With Tiarna. With Mary Kate. But what about everyone else? Have they proved themselves? How does someone even prove themselves worthy of this bond? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. I feel torn. I don’t know what to do. I just let the questions run and run and I walk behind them because I am tired of chasing after things I hate.

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