what is this feeling?

there is this feeling, a feeling i can’t quite explain–a feeling of accomplishment mixed with a feeling of dread mixed with a feeling of longing. what do you label that? i am not quite sure. let me try and explain this feeling though and then maybe you will be able to help me understand.

accomplishment: as most of you know, I am a member of LEO, the leadership organization here on campus and I just helped put on a Mad Hatter themed Mother/Daughter tea for 100+ local Girl Scouts. Last week was flooded with responsibilities for that–making mints, bagging mints, gathering photobooth props, training my table hostesses, making thank you gifts, organizing the flow of people, the actual tea–and homework and the phonathon and work and lip sync. i could barely sit to take a breath. there was no time. but now that it’s over? now that i saw all of those girls smiling faces and heard their laughter? now that i totaled up all of money i made at the phonathon? now that i have laughed and laughed over our lip sync performance? now, now, now? now it was all worth it and i am proud.

dread: despite being done with a lot of what was on my plate, i scooped those responsibilities up only to pile on more: the Bachelor/Bachelorette auction, applying for transfer schools, the Vagina monologues, the SKD convention, and more and more and more. i dread it all, all the work, all that will come, that is coming, the end and the beginning.

longing: i long to travel, for my family, for my bed at home, for the sun, for the ocean, for my friends around the world, for the world itself.

put these 3 things together and tell me this: what is this feeling? it is not 3 separate things. it can’t be when they are mixed together so well.

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