literally, shit happens. these past 24 hours have been shit. i don’t think i felt this way in a long, long time. like my life has been taken out of my own hands and i have lost all control because someone else, a person, a person that i can see, has taken it from me, this control. i feel like the universe is against me quite often but actual people? no, not really. i could go on and on and explain what has happened to all of you out there, reading this, but just know this: i do not get in trouble. i do not break rules. as much as i hate that about myself sometimes, i am not the type of person to do things that i know could get me in trouble. mostly because as much as i have a problem with authority and people telling me what to do, in some twisted way, i also fear authority. what we did was harmless. if any of it was harmful, it was on accident. the sisterhood this school stands for has been betrayed. i have become a target of choice discipline acted on against me because the people we pranked are buddy-buddy with our hall director. i don’t know what to do. i fought it. i am fighting it. i will fight it. i never imagine this would happen. but then again, who does? i feel like i am drowning in a black hole. i can’t quite suck enough air into my lungs. the people who are not involved in this–they just don’t understand. they are trying but they are on the outside and we all know that secretly, they are glad they are not one of the 4 of us.
the things is though this has in some way pulled me closer to my suite and to Ginger. it has made me realize how blessed I am to have people, friends, sisters, who will stand up for me and fight for me.
but at the same time, it is impossible to see that little joy amongst all of this stress and pain. my heart hurts. the tears are only being held back by a moment. when will that moment come? is this fair? no. am i to blame? for part of it–for the action but not for the way this has spun out of control, not for the way the other people involved have lied, not for the injustice in it all. i just–i could scream.
oh wait. i already did. so loud, i hurt my throat and yet, the anger still pulses behind my heart.