a sad song makes it better

i have made a discovery: humans feel in circles. why do i know this? because these feelings that are pulsing through my bones are feelings that i have felt before. i feel happy but yet sad, content but yet uncertain. i feel like someone who i thought knew me better than almost anyone else, someone who i knew would always, always, always catch me before i fell, someone who i told everything to, shared every moment with, i feel like this person is slipping away, yet again. this is a feeling that comes back and then leaves. like the ocean kissing the shore, except this is not beautiful. it can’t be because something that is beautiful wouldn’t hurt so bad. and yet, i feel closer to people i felt close to before and at the same time, i feel new relationships forming, blooming, growing into something i feel i will treasure forever. but i know better than most people that there is no such thing as forever. i have felt such bonds with people before. with Rachael, with Samantha, with others who i will not, can not, name. and yet here I am, and even though i know as soon as we walk back into the room together everything would be perfect, everything would be the same, it is not what it used to be because they do not know the details of my daily life. so how is it different with Iida? with Tiarna? because even though they are far away from me and don’t know it all, Tiarna never did and Iida came into my daily life for a set amount of time and somehow that makes it better. and besides, i have been away from them and i know that our friendship, our love, i know it survives distance. i do not know that about these women who surround me here. i know i wrote just a few days ago that i do not doubt that our relationships will change when distance comes between us. but i do. i hate myself for it. i hate the thoughts in my mind. i want to rip them out and strangle them. but they are still there. i am scared. i am scared because the longer i live the more i realize that you can never fully know someone. never. i understand Hazel’s words, her fears, the ones that she whispers to me, in both words in the air and words on paper. i believe Hazel was sent to me so that i could teach her something and she could teach me something as well. but her fear? her vocalized fear? it scares me. i was sent here to save but can i tell you a secret? i do not always succeed. mostly because it is impossible to save people who want to drown, no matter how hard you try. and that petrifies me because every time i fail to save someone, i lose a little bit of myself too. i do not want to fail her. i want to heal her heart and her soul. but all a while, i question: does she want it too?

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