lessons learned?

i think i learn the same lessons over and over again and yet, somehow, i never truly learn them. and then i make new discoveries about myself, about this life, and then i have new lessons to learn and relearn and attempt to learn and fake to learn…

today i discovered that it is really difficult for me to trust people enough to let them articulate a point i feel strongly about. this is something i have actually know for a very long time, something i have felt myself do thousands of times before–during group presentations, during meetings, during suite meetings, during friendship confrontations, during family meetings–but it was not until today, during our meeting to resolve everything that happened last week, that it hit me over the head. i do not trust others to speak on my behalf–as much as i want to. over and over again, i have told people i am having these conversations with “speak up! i don’t want to be the only one talking” but when it comes down to it, i almost have to be the one talking because for some stupid, unknown reason, i don’t trust anyone else to do it right. i have a lot of control issues and issues with control (yes, two different things). that is something else i have discovered about myself this year, through long talks and awkward silences. i do not know where this necessity to be in control came from. there are a thousand reasons i could list but instead i would like to apologize.

i would like to apologize to everyone who i have ever cut off in a conversation, to everyone who i have ever demanded to speak more during confrontations only to leave them little room to do so. i want to apologize most of all for not trusting you enough to let you be my voice. it is something i am working on. letting go and letting be. it may take weeks. it may take months. it may take years. it may never come. but please, throughout it all, do not leave me. because even if i can not give you my voice, the fact that i am sharing this with you, right now, and at other times through other words, is a sign i do trust you with my heart.

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