forgiveness

ironically, the paper i read today at the SKD convention was on forgiveness and how one has to realize that no one person sees the world the same way before they can truly begin to forgive others.

i didn’t realize until right now how fitting that was. because today i realized the positive effect of letting forgiveness into your heart. i will not bore you with the details but at some point a few years ago, i started communicating with my dad’s parents more. i haven’t always had what i would deem as the best relationship with them but i decided that if nobody else in my family was going to communicate frequently with them, how could a few emails here and there hurt me? they didn’t, i discovered as i typed them out. and then, this past August I started watching Gilmore Girls, and yeah, before you roll your eyes and say that a TV show can’t change your life, just take a second and hear me out.

Lorelai Gilmore has a rocky history with her parents but she keeps trying, for Rory’s sake and for the fact that they are her family. They hurt her. She hurts them. It is hard, impossible even but they are her family so she keeps trying and so do they. Now I am a firm believer that blood isn’t a guarantee for being family and all that comes with being family but as I watched Rory and Lorelai’s relationships with their grandparents/parents, I realized that nothing lasts forever–life included. And I wouldn’t be here without these people, literally. So I owed them something, didn’t I? Even if it was just a little bit, because despite my grudge, my annoyance, it was obvious that they care about me in their own way. So I let it go.

I don’t think I have ever let anything go before. Not completely, not in this kind of way. And it is strange…to be with these people tonight and to be probably the most myself that I have ever been around them and to feel that they care. I can’t deny that fact, not after seeing how far they drove just for me. I know my younger self most likely made too harsh of judgements, but I can’t help how I feel, even when I discover years later that it was wrong.

But I have never felt this before: this effect of forgiveness.

It is so hard but I was right, the me that wrote that paper: forgiveness heals problems. it heals hearts. how could i write that and still not see it?

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