being home these past few days has been calming and reassuring, along with fun and smile filled as I have showed Hazel these places I am from, but also being home has been…hard. because i know the next time i get on a plane, it will be to go back to Cottey for the last time. because being home this time has somehow forced me to realize that things change no matter how hard i try to fight them, in a way that being home has never made me realize before. i could list the reasons but i won’t, mostly because i don’t want to. because those are moments and people and relationships that i am processing by and for myself. “and i’ve learned…nothing lasts forever” i cried, my shoulders were shaking. “and that scares me. “and you see,” she said, “i think everything lasts forever.” i don’t share her optimism. i can’t, not after all i have felt and seen. and i question, as we face the end, how can she believe that?
i have to decide where to go next. again, i see 3 paths, 3 futures, 3 sets of friends, 3 lives. i know it’s not like that but i can’t help but feel as if i am closing the door to….something by the decision that i make. and then i found this: “there are too few breaths of my heart for my soul to be consumed by so many worries. i must remember that…but here is my question–one that perhaps I know the answer to but my voice is unsure–where is God in all this? Where am I meant to be? Here–yes, I know–but where next? Do I give it all up and let myself be guided? Nothing is easy except perhaps to breathe. But then even that is difficult sometimes and yet that is how i know it is worth it.”
words i wrote in question 3 short months ago. words i have to remember now, words i have to let soak into my blood and let guide me.
where do i go?
listen to your heart. let the difficulties guide you. ‘one perhaps i know the answer to” you said. so why are you hiding from it?