i keep having very strange, very realistic, very life-like dreams. the past three nights–i can’t quite explain them. somehow subconsciously and half asleep though, i convinced myself two nights ago that we had to leave Emily’s dorm early because I had class at 2:30. things like that, realistic arguments that cause my sleeping heart to race and my muscles to tense and me to wake up in confusion, pondering what and why…
except i know why. this is a time of change, a time of decisions, a time of being lost and questioning everything i know and yet somehow knowing exactly what i do and don’t stand for. the long conversations i had with Emmaray both to and from Emily’s shed light on countless things. Things I am angry about, things that happened last year I am still angry about even though I didn’t know I still held onto those feelings that event caused, the fact that every day words aren’t exchanged I question everything else you say as being truthful (do you realize that? i thought we were the same), the fact that despite everything, despite all the changes we are all going through and we have all been through, Emily and Emmaray are the best friends i could ask for. telling them things makes them real, they always know what to say, they understand. that deep in my heart but yet right on the surface of this all, i know where i’m going to be next year. i am just too scared to say it out loud. for some reason i have to practice it in order for it to become real. and being at Emily’s made me realize how scary it’s going to be, to change schools, how hard and how impossible. but i realized something else too: i can’t stay at Cottey. i closed my eyes and i pictured it. it would be okay–I have Hazel and Chloe and Jeanette and Haliey and many others, socially it would be okay, but in every other way it would just hold me back. I can’t do what is safe just because it’s safe. i have to close my eyes and i have to leap. I learned family is never easy–a lesson i learn over and over again. Funny how simple conversation can make you realize so much.
“Can I ask you a kind of strange question?”
“Do you believe in forever?”
I was watching the road, not her face. It was what I should have been doing, what was right, but I could almost picture her face in my mind.
“In what sense?”
Oh, yes. There is was. Leave it to her to make me realize, that like everything else, forever isn’t simple.
my dreams are telling me something. maybe i should listen.