what then?

how do i feel right now? i know how i feel physically, yes. my stomach hurts. my body seems to be rejecting whatever this is. today was good–i worked, i read, i slept, i enjoyed the sunshine, i walked with Katie and Chloe and Amanda and laughed, i ate, i watched a movie with Amanda, Katie, Brittney and I watched Thor 2, Emily called and I had a wonderful conversation with her. it was good. amazing really, in all the simple ways. and yet here i am and i feel these feelings i can not explain. i am scared. i think i have maybe met the one person i can not save. but then i remember another phone call i had today and i realize that maybe there is more than one person i can not save, even my own flesh and blood. i am scared. if i am being honest, that is what i am. she writes words on a paper, words to me, words to everyone else, words to us all. her words make me want to cry but they also scare me. they scare me because they are true and because of what she said but also because of the future they bring into light. so what do i do? i suppose i keep fighting. i suppose i accept this emotion and take a step back and evaluate it because only then can i truly understand what is going on in my life. i need support though. through something. i do not like to feel this way. i was born to save. i have known that for the longest time–but what about when i can’t? not because i don’t want to, not because i haven’t tried but because the person i am trying to save doesn’t want to be saved.

what then?


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