i just want to hear you say, that tonight will be alright

how do i explain this feeling? i know better than to build up moments in my mind, than to give myself hope when i have no control over the situation. i have learned that lesson over and over again and i am learning it again right now, i suppose. i knew today was not going to be easy. i have known that ever since Thursday when we marched down into Raney, singing softly for the last time the Marching Song, when it was ours and ours alone. I knew that when we stood in a circle around the cross placed into the ground in between the Senior sidewalks and when we told what traditions mean to us and cried. I knew today would be impossible from the very beginning and even then, I knew that and so I expected to cry. i did not expect to be so…disappointed. i never thought once as i painted names on DJS and scribbled names onto ducks and other passdowns and photographed it all that Saturday morning would come and I would want to cry because i am so mad. maybe i shouldn’t write this here for anyone and everyone to see but i don’t care. i do not shy away from these emotions as much as i want them to leave. i can’t. they have become part of me, this night, this moment. it is something that i will look back on forever with discontent and sadness and anger. first from the left behind passdowns outside my door, by the people i cared enough about to give my treasures too. maybe it was just an accident but it hurt nonetheless. then by her. her who i try to hard to understand and to save and to hold and strengthen but her who disrespected me today in a way i never expected her too. you don’t have to care as much as i do about traditions but you do have to respect that i care a great deal about them and that i care a great deal about you, enough to leave these treasures in your hands, and more than that to want to leave them for you. then by the whole class that comes behind me, who didn’t know the songs of the songs they should know, who sung the wrong songs in the wrong moments, who said that when they don’t know they just watermelon. i know there is a lot to remember. i know i struggled at the beginning but the thing is, they haven’t struggled. they have barely tried. and then by the leadership and the lack of leadership and the lack of organization and gah. i wanted to leave a tradition. all of this led up to that desire within my heart and i have never, ever wanted to leave a tradition before.

was it because i knew this was the end? maybe, a little bit. i will not lie. but if i will not lie, then i must be honest: it was more because of the disappointment that ruined our final moment together. i am ready to leave. when can i go?

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