like a river

there has been a moment that i have wanted to write about since it happened, a moment where the five of us-Holly, Kez. Andrea, Kirsty and I–stood shoulder to shoulder and cried for Kez and for Kez’s family who had just had a lose and selfishly, a little bit for ourselves and the fear of loosing someone we love and the remembrance of what it was like for me to be told that my grandpa had a heart attack when i was miles away. Holly prayed, Kez prayed and in that moment, I believed in God. It all felt right.

But then yesterday happened. and i wrote these words: “i have been turned against, isolated, entrapped, ensnared. I knew from the beginning that to begin again is never easy but I never thought it would be so hard in this way. I am being judged by people who claim not to judge and barely know my path and soul. I have cried long and hard already and yet all i want to do is continue to scream. I could leave this place–never look back. Why the sudden change in heart and attitude “friend”? Do those quotation marks belong? I wouldn’t be one to know since I rest so close I can barely see. Help, i cry, to whoever is there. Perhaps this too shall pass and I will come out stronger or perhaps I will learn I was wrong–you are not a missing piece of me and all relationships that arent are pieces of glass, waiting to be shattered”

some of you who are reading this are probably wondering what is going on. i do not have the time or strength or desire to tell the whole story now but basically i have been told i worry too much, am to anxious about things that don’t concern me (which is a grave insult when you struggle with what i struggled with for my whole life), that my dislike for one of my supervisors and disagreement with her leadership style is creating a rift between the staff. all the blame–apparently laid on me. maybe not, but that is what i heard. i was told to make a plan to change all of this, to fix it.

and so what is my plan? my plan is to accept that the 2 people involved in this are not ready to learn what i am trying to teach them, to hear what i am trying to tell them, to see what i am trying to point out or to act upon what i am showing them and to remember, as dear Emily reminded me as i sobbed to her over the line last night, that it is not my place to fix everything and everyone. i have to let this battle go.

so how are these two moments in my life connected? they tie back to the continuous question that i have: is God real? how can whatever this is shine through so brightly one moment and then all of it make no sense just a week later? i am confused. but i’ve got strength like a mountain in my soul.


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