a collection of passed thoughts

i think one of the hardest things to remember when you begin again is that friendships must form naturally to be genuine, or truly not at all.

maybe you wouldn’t see it as something wrong but i see it as something not entirely right–i can’t stop saving people. i have to consciously fight against inviting people to my home, to let me family simply be. i have this need, rooted deep inside, to share my safe haven with those who are lost, to save. how do i be sure though that i am not harming others? I can’t stop though. It’s what fuels my blood.

i have been turned against, isolated, entrapped, ensnared. I knew from the beginning that to begin again is never easy but i never thought it would be so hard in this way. I am being judged by people who claim not to judge and barely know my path and soul. i have cried long and hard already and yet all i want to do is continue to scream. I could leave this place, never look back. Why the sudden change in heart and attitude “friend”? Do those quotation marks belong? I would not be one to know since i rest so close i can barely see. Help, I cry, to whoever is there. Perhaps this too shall pass and i will come out stronger or perhaps i will learn i was wrong–you are not a missing piece of me and all relationships that aren’t are pieces of glass, waiting to be shattered.

i think one of the worst things possible is to need to cry more than anything and not have a safe place to do it

i have walked these roads in this place a hundred times before. i proved to myself last night that i can be completely blind and still find my way on them. in a hundred ways, they are the back of my hand. But they’re different now because they lack him and in his place are his shadows, his memories, the whisper of his voice. sometimes i question why this is effecting me so much but what my mom said was right–on so many levels this bothers me. as a coworker, as a christian, as a friend, as a human. I want to heal but i can’t because i am stuck in the place i was first broken. Will I ever stop expecting him to be there when i turn the corner? I know the answer and thats what makes it so impossibly hard. he was a bit of light in a dark, dark place that shouldn’t be dark at all.

“every human is my superior since each has something to teach me.”


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