“i’ve been the one to shake with fear and wonder if you’re even here…i’ve been the one to fall apart and start to question who you are.”
it’s funny that it was a little over a week ago that i was driving back from the airport at 4 in the morning, after having said the second goodbye in my life to someone/something i thought i was never going to see again. First, there was Bass Lake which I left one June morning, my heart heavy since I did not believe I would ever return until there I was again in January, the weather so different but the place just the same. The second was just last Saturday when I said goodbye to Jesse for the second time after I thought I would not see him again for a long, long time. Life is strange. I sat in the car and I thought about how we are all attached by strings to the people we interact with and if we pull on one, we pull on all the rest, even if we fail to see that. I sat in that car and I thought about how weary my heart was and how much I longed just to stay where I was.
And here I am. Where I was, where I wanted to be. I quit. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I cried that night, in the back pew of the right side of the chapel and Brenna saw. Funny–that a camper who I was supposed to be watching after, was the only person who saw. I cried and I let my head hang because of all that had happened and would happen and I didn’t want to make a rash decision but I didn’t I had to keep telling myself. I left long after I first wanted too.
I don’t know what else to say. I would like to write some post about this summer but to try to capture it all on a screen is far from impossible. I grew–emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. In all ways, I grew.
As I sat on the Dellwood steps, after I raced down the hill in the middle of worship because i just needed to be alone, on Thursday night, the last night, and looked behind my left shoulder, I saw it: the exit sign clearly shining bright red through the window of Dellwood lodge. I laughed out loud. There was no clearer sign and still I sat there and I asked God why this all had–was?–happening. Why are such horrible people put on this Earth? Why are they allowed to become that way? To teach me something? Because if they are here to teach me, then why am I here? To teach them? Then who is right? It all goes back to what I wrote earlier–we are all attached by strings and every action has a pull. So where does God fit into all of this?
Despite this summer, I still can not answer that. I do not know where or how or when God fits into all that is this life. I believe something is more powerful than me but the definitions of that something (someone?) i do not know. Perhaps the most important thing I learned this summer though?
Even the strong question.