I keep thinking about it and I can not seem to make myself stop. Maybe it’s because everyone else (well not everyone since I was the fourth to leave but everyone besides the four of us) is still there, signing those silly songs I love to hate, doing the graces I never entirely learned the words to, eating the food I hate, swimming in the beautifully clear waters of the lake and singing the words of Sanctuary and talking into the walkies. I do not regret that I left just that I had to leave them. So is that why it is stuck in the forefront of my brain, on repeat but not in a pleasant way? No, I know the answer: I can’t stop thinking about it because as much as it hurt I love that place. Why do I have to love something that hurts me? I guess we do it all the time but I would like to move on. On pass his words when he told me he thought that I didn’t like him at first. I never thought people watched me so much and as carefully as I watch them. Those two though, so different but so much the same, they are the first that I have met who saw me and called me out on it.
What do I think that I am moving onto though? I want to say Cottey but for the sake of all things wonderful, I know that isn’t true. So why so I keep telling myself that it is? I can’t hide. I have so many fears. I read the words on the page and I wonder what I would face if I was put into a test where I was made to face all my fears. I have so many questions, they would drown me faster than I could bare to breathe. So what so I do? I close my eyes- just for a moment though and then I remember the moment where I stood on top of that rock, thirty feet in the air and I jumped.