begin again

It is late. I should long since now be asleep but I can’t stop thinking about dropping Emmaray off tonight and how as soon as she got out of the car and the door slammed I thought: well that’s it. That was the last moment of the summer and now it’s over and I must begin again. Where did it all go? What did I even do?

I got scared for a moment, driving down that road late at night, the radio loud, because everything disappeared from my mind for a moment and then I remembered it all-Cottey, the 4th, scattered moments at home, but most of all, camp. It wasn’t everything I thought it would be but despite everything, it was more. I am stronger.

It is hard to let go. I am tired of saying goodbye as I did five times just today. To return to Madison is always to remember what my life used to be and part of my heart longs for that. But allowing myself to accept and admit that it is okay to struggle is something I learned this summer. So I will close my eyes and once more, begin again.

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