far from homes

I don’t really know what to say except that I need to say something.

I have always known myself more than the people around me know who they are. I know what I like, what I want, how I plan to strive to attempt to get what it is I want. Of course, like everyone else, I am in the process of creating who I am but I have always know my fundamentals, the roots I stand on.

Coming here to Salem after the summer that I had, the summer that tore me apart in so many ways both good and bad, has been impossible. Not in a bad way but in a way in which I am learning how to be me not defined by people right next to me. Of course, the people that I love and who love me and know me define me even when they are in some cases painfully literally halfway around the world, but it has been a long time since I have been alone in a place so far from all I know. I don’t count Cottey or camp-some reason, somehow those two places were pieces of my home waiting for me. So here I am, in a new place, alone.

And here’s my confession: I was letting myself off the hook. Not in a totally unfair way because what I am doing is really hard but I was letting my wounds define who I am even though I knew I was cheating myself.

These last few days those, after I realized that, have been really good. And I guess that all I wanted to say: I’m proud of myself for taking the time to heal, for trying new things, for taking risks, for loving people all around the world even though it hurts to be away from them, for questioning what is stronger than myself even though it’s scary beyond belief.

I am proud.

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