woes of an introvert

there is this battle that rages on inside me, one that has been there for as long as i remember. it can be summed up in a simple question that i sent off through the invisible communication lines earlier to Hazel: “why do I always feel responsible to socialize?” I will go to hundreds of events, every single one a group offers and then there’s that one thing I simply don’t feel like going to because I don’t feel like socializing. there’s never any other reason. if i went, i would have fun, i know that, but i don’t feel like going, so i don’t. and i feel guilty. i feel bad about not going and then i feel bad about feeling bad. how is that? i have always had this strange relationship with socializing and my apparent obligations when it comes to socializing, like there is a quota of socializing that i have to fill every day and if i don’t, then there is something wrong. how is that? just how? how do i have these feelings racing through my mind, through my blood, through my veins? does anybody else feel this way? in a constant competition with myself, started by society who determines if i win

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