queen of the land

i think about decisions a lot. a great deal actually. about how we humans like to believe that our lives are a collection of our free will and fate. some things we can’t explain so we chalk those up to fate–normally the bad–while other things–mainly the good–we say are based on our smarts, our knowledge to use our free will to make the right choice which in turn has lead us to this life which we live right now.

but here’s the thing: so much of our life has nothing to do with free will. i mean, think about it, really think about it. when you were a child, your parents perhaps moved or sent you to a certain school and that one decision change forever who you are and who you will be. then when you became older, you began to make more of your own decisions, yes, but what about that college you should have gotten in to but didn’t? what about that job somebody else rejected you from? what about that boy who shot you down? not every decision within our lives has been made by ourselves, despite what we say so often, despite how we always give ourselves so much credit for being who and what we are.

i don’t like lacking answers and i really hate lack of control but i’ve been thinking lately about decisions and about how one decision can change everything and you don’t see it in the moment, what will come, of course not, but a handful of months or so later you realize you made a mistake but you aren’t sure how to undo it. i judge people, quickly and surely after i meet them although these judgements sometimes change, which is why not judging her speaks to such volume. it was not until some unknown reason removed her from my life that my bones cracked and i realized the dislike i had been withholding. a survival technique, possibly, but i think part of me was–is–broken. it’s something i’ve known for a long time. and no, not broken in any way that is horrid or worry inducing, just broken by the words, by the nerves, by the people or lack of people, by the work, the studying, the decisions.

yes, see, it all comes back to the decisions. but don’t you understand? decisions aren’t like flipping a coin, heartless and scientific. all decisions come from the soul. so free will, fate, hard work, justify them however you want to but really, truly the soul is the reason for this all.

but how does my soul ever know what is right? the number of possible paths for my life i would discover if i backtracked is overwhelming. how do i know my soul was right?


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