i’ll sink in a bottle of the strongest waters

what a strange mixture of feelings. this place and being here has long since been my dream. I chose Salem based on it, I left Cottey in part because of it and in some ways, these facts join together to allow me to put more pressure on myself to enjoy every moment.

but when you pull back the layers–or maybe right there on the surface where i thought they were hidden but they really aren’t–i am not in any rush at all. things lay over my head, ready to fall as time passes, things like my senior thesis, applying for an internship, what to do after graduation, but part of me, part of me as i listen to this song and remember that night when emily and i stood in that small, dark room with her friends from school and heard these exact same lyrics echo in our ears, just wants to close my eyes and leap and let the world catch me.

and so begins the battle between the two halves of my whole, the half who could never let go enough to simply jump and the half that wants only to do that. part of me remembers how much the world has failed to catch me during the past year, at camp, from death, at Salem. the world let me fall. but that’s misplacing the blame. the world could never catch me because i can’t fly.

and so what? what does that add up to? i have never been good at math.

here is what i know: in Andalucia, Granada’s providence, sex change is covered by the government. in Granada it is illegal to run with a backpack, eat, drink, or play music in the streets, Spain’s king has little to no power, a vast majority of people here live with their parents until they’re married and sometimes even after, on May 15th 2011 nationwide protests occurred leading to the formation of new political parties, people here are getting kicked out of their homes and still being made to pay their mortgages, despite all of the romanticizing we do of the other, Spain is coming apart at the edge just as much as the States are, people hurt here too.

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