here in lie my questions. they come from where i sit, through sunrises and sunsets, amongst my own conflicting feelings of anger, pride and regret:
where did this belief that i must always have a valid explanation for my actions come from?
why do i never leave room to make a mistake? how do i think i’ll ever learn?
was i taught to believe i owe people my time, that saying no is the worst one can do, or does that belief stem from some part of me natural to these bones?
how much of who i am was socialized into place?
why do i feel i owe part of who i am to my work? why does it hurt so much to belong to a community you only give to?
where can i replicate what i had at cottey? how do i replicate that?
why do i swallow a side of guilt each morning?
who taught me that money must sit so high on the list whenever a decision is being made?
how is it possible to both love and hate the same part of yourself?
where, how, who, what, when do i find peace? peace completely with myself, with how i stand, with when and where i stand, with who i stand with? what does that even look like?
when will i realize there are few people i owe anything to, and that most of them do not even want to collect?
when will i let go?