numbers and forms 

music in my ears, I sit cross legged and unsure.

Not unsure-anxious.

Since I boarded the plane in Edinburgh I couldn’t sit still. As soon as I put down my most recent distract, tears lining my face, nothing could hold my mind. Why? I race through security, through the cafe, through security, through custom. I scarfed my food. I pulled liquid into my body with a fever I don’t have, shouldn’t have. I can’t sit still.

I thought it was all the people around me, the normally increased emotions from what comes with traveling but then it hit me.

This and the headaches returning? Right on each temple as if they belong there.

I don’t want to go back.

So why am I writing this? As if putting these words onto this page erases what I’ve created. That’s the point-it doesn’t. But I often come back to these pages and seek comfort in what I have felt and I want to say to the me who comes back: remember what it feels like when the world you’ve formed isn’t right, and don’t do that again.

 Be brave enough to be scared for a moment before you settle. 

Don’t settle. 

Be sure. 

Take risks, and let yourself make a mistake but don’t stay in that mistake. 

Not again. 

You are only obligated to us and those you love. No one else.

So jump. 


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